i'm afraid to read mrs. dalloway

last night we saw 'the hours'. we almost didn't make it there because there were no trains at our subway station since a train had stalled and was stuck in the tunnel right before our stop. we had to take the bus and luckily made it to the theater in the nick of time. the movie was so very sad and romanticized death. it was about depression, avoidance, selfish/selflessness, loneliness, death. i don't know what to say about it, really.

woman as caregiver.. depression.. dementia.. surrender.. to have a career or not to have a career. how to fulfill and be fulfilled without compromising yourself. women are presented with all of these paradoxes and somehow we manage to appear sane and go on. this is something i struggle with. expectation on every front. you must meet all of these expectations and then exceed them. i seldom stop to ask myself what my own expectations are. that's where problems start.

and depression. i could say i'm depressed. i probably am but hell, i feel it's self-inflicted and in that case i deserve it. i could get out of it, shrug it off and start living like everyone else does. i could stop sleeping until afternoon and i could join the living. i could stop watching the news because god knows that can't be helping. i don't want to take any pills or talk to someone about my sadness or read self-help books or smoke pot or drink lots of vodka or keep busy to forget about it. i need to confront what's bothering me and put it to bed and move on and popping some pills won't help.

to say the least, the movie reminded me a lot of myself. i spend too much time avoiding my own life and problems in favor of trying to care for others when in reality i don't have enough to give in the first place and end up falling short and disappointing myself.

i need to work on a lot of things about myself. i need to work on being more trusting and regain some faith in humanity. i've been dealt a lot of shit in the past few years from strangers and from friends that has made me lose so much trust in people. this loss of trust has turned into hate for all people and when you start hating everyone else, you also start to hate yourself. i need to be more selfless. i am so selfish! it's disgusting. if you're not careful, you become what you hate. so much more to say here, but i'll stop for now.

so last night we took a cab home since it was negative 500 degrees outside and we went inside and didn't turn on the tv or the computers and just sat on the couch and talked for 2 hours.

i was talking to my mom yesterday and she told me my journal is boring- that i need to talk more about my life and what i do and what i think. i guess i've been holding back. i've been holding out on you. sorry.
my dad got a job! so very happy. it only took him 1 year and 5 months (from when he got laid off). there is hope.

it's so cold outside but luckily me and bryan have big fluffy down parkas that keep us warm and make us look like fat little eskimos. i want vietnamese for dinner.